How did I get here from THERE? (repost)

On the edge of insanity I spent many years wasting away  and I cried many tears   while my mind and body slipped into decay. I look back now and wonder how I am even alive, what watched over me during those desperate times?  Was it an inner will power to survive or a guardian from out of our time? I was a wasted away ghost of who I had been, a wisp of a woman whose grasp between reality and delusion had grown so very thin. Addiction is never to be taken lightly; and I took that statement to the hilt.  I took my addiction to the place where you trade in your soul for just one more dose. I would have even sold your soul had you been in my proximity while you slept or behind your back. I was ashamed, I was lost and I was a monster. To cope with these facts the monster I was became bigger until it swallowed me whole, until I fell into the beasts arms with an abandon and I thought I had forgone all hope. Everyday I sunk deeper and had to do more drugs to dull the feelings  within me; guilt, shame, hatred, fear, and rage.  Every now and then through the haze when I let down my guard I heard a voice…Get out , you don’t belong here! Your gonna die if you don’t run away from this! You are not this person!!! I thought what the hell and got higher in a desperate attempt to kill that needling ghost. I was so precariously perched on the edge of no return that I sometimes wished for it to end, for that final push overboard into the abyss of my ever growing addiction.
Suddenly and out of the blue one day through the fog, through the chaos and commotion of what I had let my life become I realized that the choice was mine, NOT MY ADDICTIONS. I had to get out of the pattern of denial and start looking at the root of the problem, start to hold accountable the only person rsponsible for my choices and behaviors…ME. That my friends is the day I began to heal, the very day I took the first step in beating the pattern of addiction, the day I saved my life.
Today I am healthy, been clean from those things many years, enjoying my family,  went back to school and got my 1st degree in psychology, am an aspiring writer, and I love myself. I got here by doing what many have trouble doing…I pointed the finger at myself. You see, I grew up with alcoholics, my innocence was stolen by a pervert, my faith in some men was battered and tortured by brutality but I realized that for as long as I held those things completely responsible for my adult decisions I was only enabling the addiction in keeping control. While I was using there was no alcoholic, pervert or brutal men force feeding me the drugs. I was making that decision, right then and there it was me driving the force to destroy myself, not them. These dysfunctional events and happenings  may very well have predisposed me to a dysfunctional path but it was ME,MYSELF, AND I that decided to perpetuate the misery, to feed that beast, to slowly give up on myself. In my opinion, once we realize who is to be held accountable, where the decisions come from, Ourselves, then and only then can we begin to recover. I got here from there by being truthful with myself and I am proud to say I succeeded and will continue to do so.

Sincerely , Jennifer

A seemigly disappearing quality (repost from august)

In todays ever technilogically advancing age, where human interaction is becoming less and less human; face time, Skype, texting, emails etc. are we losing something? Are we losing our ability to interact face to face? Do these advances in new ways of communicating actually not advance us at all? Are we going backwards as far as real human interaction goes? Are we losing the ability to read expression if it is not given to us in the form of an emoticon?

I don’t know about the majority of you but I liked the days of actually hearing a persons voice on the other end of the phone line. I miss sitting across from a friend and being able to see them, their expressions clearly visible to me, to hold their hand or give them a real hug not just a series of X’s and O’s at the end of a text or email.

Granted the many new ways of communicating are awesome when it comes to long distance relatives, business dealings, and quick texts such as ‘I will be home in five minutes’, (not to mention the times you don’t wish to speak to anyone due to a bad day, or not feeling well). But as it becomes more prevalent do we as a race, as a whole become less human? Do we become less and less emotional creatures and do our emotions become nothing more than electronic blips on the internet?

I am all for advancement ( as long as it doesn’t continue to destroy our planet) but at what cost will it be in the many years to come?

Where My Connection to Divinity Is.

Nature is my Church and in all Mother Natures aspects I am able to feel the presence of the All that Is. I have always felt that the base unit or spark that humans grew from is the very same spark that a tree, a rock, a flower etc. has grown from. The difference is the manner in which the first spark manifests itself. But at our most miniscule levels the same energy that animates me is also the same energy that animates the babbling brook, the blades of grass, the ladybug the horse….

 

I am never one to knock the manner of which an individual or group choose to show their faith or devotion because I respect all Paths to spirituality and enlightenment. I truly understand a persons need for the guidance of a minister, priest or rabbi and I find it wonderful that the fellowship of a congregation does indeed provide a sense of togetherness and connectivity. Structured religions have for many years offered a way for those who follow them to find their way to higher power

 

I think the differences in the way we seek connection to divinity is reason to celebrate not reason to fight.

Universal Deity and personal deity are different but yet the same. Here’s how that goes… Universal deity is the umbrella where as personal deity is the handle of the umbrella (what the individual grasps to make the umbrella work). Another way to picture this is look at a polished and cut diamond. In its whole it is one stone, but many different facets make up the whole. As we walk our individual paths toward the Diamond we keep focus on the facet before us, this facet is a personal image that we all have different names for; Jehovah, God, Allah, The All etc. However in the end and no matter which facet your focused on its all part of the very same diamond. ! I truly believe that if this idea, ONE DIAMOND DIFFERENT FACETS, could be grasped globally that the world just may be a more unified and peaceful realm in this place we call The Universe.

Respectfully,
JennTerra